My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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