I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
