I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
