I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
