I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
