I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
