I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize