just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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