Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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