finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
