I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
