i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
