Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize