Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
