i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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