I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
