zippers are such a cool invention
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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