Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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