it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
