the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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