if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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