you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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