Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize