The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
