did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
