well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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