I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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