He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize