Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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