Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
