I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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