You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
