walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
