I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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