Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
