the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't just leave with hair like that
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
