the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
