I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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