Me too!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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