i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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