So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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