I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
