I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
