I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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