just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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