The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I deserve this hangover.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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