In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
