I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize