in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
