since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
