I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize