I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
