Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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