My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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