In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize