Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
