I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
