Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
