3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
