Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
did i walk over a car last night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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