Apparently you make a good broom.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
