But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
